It's for you and only you

Complicated Feelings

It involves things that not suppose to be in....

 

This semester break is awesome but 

yet something did ruin all my mood

and complicated my feelings.

I don't know who really I can lay my words on,

my tears on, my worry on, my insomnia on, and most important

my fragile love on.

But I think the decision of not laying is on my hand,

I choose to be silent of all the worry, pain and suffer.

I wish not to make them feel like what I felt.

Many people cared for me and they were there when I need their love

but why at the same time, I don't dare to tell them all?

Am I really grown up to keep it all to myself until

one day, one day when I collapse or can't breath anymore 

only I will walks towards you.

I thought things have ended,

but when I try to sleep, the reality just slap me.

Woke me up from my dream.

I thought the feelings had gone far ago,

but why the words of those comes to my ear,

a rod pierce through my heart and bleed.

The pain is beyond my control,

do I really use the wrong way to forget you?

Or I should blame myself for even fall for you

in the first place..

Hope when I go back to there,

the image of you and shadow of you will fade away.

Still I am glad that, for a now..

I do not need to pretend in front of those I not honest with.

I can rest peacefully...

I believe I can do it just like how I succeed doing it previously...

I Am not What You think I used to Be

Just Like this...

To show who I am is not as simple as you think,

To share what I think is not actually easy as you feel,

To find someone special or suitable to listen to what I wanted to share,

is just as hard as collecting a tears that falls into the sand.

The reason why I am different with different people,

is not because I am fake,

is just I don't want to rely to anyone,

The pain after all sweetness is just so illusionary

Can I not be the one that always know the heart?

Sometimes is so tiring but yet there is no one to share,

the one dearest is not always the person for sharing,

because making them worry is just not the love I wanted from them.

Being like this all the while,

just change me to be even different,

I scared one day, I would be scared to listen to anyone sharing anything to me..

To do what You Want is Different with to Believe in what You Can..

I always thought when a person say they can't do what they promise is because they don't have the capability or they BELIEVE, they don't have THE capability.

When someone rejected you, telling u different reason than what you expected, are they telling the reason their heart believe or the believe that their heart is telling the true reason??

Sometimes there is a turn down is because not the WANT that they aim for.

I believe that when a person who wanted to do something, they are always a step forward if they willing to try compare to the others that don't even dare to try. These included me.

Will BENEFIT be consider when you accept people's request?

This is a theory once told by my friend. 

When there is no one to date you or accept your invitation it means that you don't have any benefit they can get from you or you don't worth a BENEFIT from their view.

No matter how I struggle to deny this statement of his, the truth happen always so strong around me. 

Rose from Cameron Highland Rose Garden

Yet I believe, some where around some corner, would have someone who actually do see the different in a person.

Another thing, to say SORRY is not hard when you make a mistake, it only depends on yourself whether you want to apologize or believe in nonsense like "Everything will be alright, is alright NOT apologizing".

Don't expect others to approach you when you can't even have yourself take the step.

To confess sometime need a lot of courage, BUT for not confessing and gave yourself lots of reason just make you feel how your feeling is not strong to lead you to him or her.

To CREATE reason is what you can do, however, to CONFESS is what YOU BELIEVE you CAN'T do.

The Moment That Never wanted to be REMEMBERED

Within the dark cloud, it shines.

To know you is good,
to fall for you is bad.
To be friend with you is good,
to understand you is bad. 

To interact with you is good,
to be avoided by you is bad.
To be acknowledge by you is good,
to be just that is bad.


To forget you is good,
to not see you is bad.
To smile to you is good,
to be close with you is bad.


To laugh with you is good,
making a place in my heart is bad.
To make an end point is good,
to make a heart hurt is bad......


The sensitivity of my heart actually tell me all this. Can I just not notice what I can know about my heart? Can I keep going as a loner instead?
Not caring and concern of anything except for those who is dear to me?